PHILOSOPHERS STONED

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.
     (Will Cuppy)

Descartes is sitting in a bar. The bartender asks him if he would like a refill. Descartes answers, "I think not," and vanishes in a puff of logic.

I think that I think, therefore I think that I exist.
     (Ambrose Bierce)

"God is dead."
     (Nietzsche)
"Nietzsche is dead."
     (God)

Nietzsche thought that all events
Repeat themselves -- which makes no sense.
Nietzsche thought that all events
Repeat themselves -- which makes no sense.
     (Dean W. Zimmerman)

No one could ever inveigle
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel
Into offering the slightest apology
For his Phenomenology.
     (W. H. Auden)

According to John Stuart Mill,
Better check whether 2+2 still
Make four. They did today,
But as for tomorrow -- who can say?
     (Dean W. Zimmerman)

Ludwig Wittgenstein
Hardly ever went out to dine.
Be the menu ever so abundant,
He found "green leafy lettuce salad" tautological and redundant.
     (Tom Kirby Smith)

Every child who has the use
Of his senses knows a goose.
See them underneath the tree
Gather round the goose-girl's knee,
While she reads them by the hour
From the works of Schopenhauer.
How patiently the geese attend!
But do they really comprehend
What Schopenhauer's driving at?
Oh, not at all; but what of that?
Neither do I; neither does she;
And, for that matter, nor does he.
     (Oliver Herford)

When Jacques Lacan
Sat on the can,
Pearls of Wisdom would drop
With a gentle plop.
     (Ronald de Sousa)